that she was only 23 years old now, so god knows how old she was back then when I first met her. Laura is fun loving, independent and full of fun as a rule, although when I saw her, much of that individuality had gone, which was a shame, especially as I did not know why.
It was great seeing Laura, just before we leave for Spain, although, it did seem rather odd, to see her after all this time. Like most things and people in this small city, there does seem to be a connection, that exists between everyone we know.
She has been there through illness as well as some very tense times. SJ was here when Jason had a psychiatric injury, on the weekend and continues to be a great comfort, during some terrible times.
Even now, as we relax, heading towards the final countdown, she continues to support both of us. We took SJ out for dinner yesterday at the White Swan in Mansbridge. Jason and I had eaten very little recently anyway, so it was good to sit down and relax, have a few beers and some decent food.
Plane ticket booked today for the 31 January and although nervous, I know full well it will be a much better place to live than it has been here. Finally I can write and tell the truth of just what happened to us both. This is a story that needs to be told.
Peace and Love Always!
Well it's the end of another year and what a year it has been. 2015 has been another trying but enlightening, year for me. I tend to work on five year cycles. That is not to say that every five years, there is disaster, but these years are always ones of great change and upheaval. If one goes back in five year blocks, until the year 1995, every five years we have endured great renewal. Most of these times are forced upon us, following traumatic events. Whether or not these are to do with Bipolar, I have no idea. 2015 was one of those years that came running head long into my life, without warning. If I look back to New Years Eve, last year, it began with such promise, surrounded by people I love and it was a happy evening. I saw smiles on the faces, I hadn't seen in a while, even I was happy to celebrate the New Year, with hope that, this time, it would be the best of years. Like so many times of joy and hope, things, never quite end up being what one had wished for!
2015 started well, I asked Jason to Marry me on New Years Eve. This was the positive me. 2015 was our anniversary year. Twenty years together as a couple. A relationship, formed under the most difficult of circumstances and we had reached a mile stone, not many same sex couples have reached. I wanted to cement our relationship, by getting married, legally, in front of all our friends and in the eyes of the law. Finally legal in all respects. This is something I had always wanted to do, it is something I had planned for a long time and for the first time I wanted to follow it through to the end. Most planned changes or events, almost always fell by the way side. They were spur of the moment things that never amounted to much, born in my Bipolar mind, that never really grasped the gravitas of a situation, or treated an important decision as a Headline without substance. However this time, it was different, this time I wanted us to follow through, no matter what the circumstances. It had meaning and was important for us as a couple and to show all those who doubted us as a couple, that we were forever together, no matter what they may think. We have had so many detractors, during our time together, that you will understand the meaning of asking my long term partner to marry me, was the only goal I set for 2015 and I would not deviate from it, no matter what.
As so often happens to most of us in life, nothing quite pans out the way we would have hoped. A few words, off the back of a celebration, conceived in a mind that constantly flip flops from one idea to another can be hard to stay the course. However I am stubborn and obstinate and can be as determined as the rest of you, so in the cold light of day, asking Jason to make it legal, held as strong as when I asked him. A surprise for me also, but I am happy we both did what we knew was right.
2015 was not only the year we got married, but it was also to be the worst year of our lives in every respect. My Bipolar was unstable, I was becoming more ill, as each new day of the year rolled on. I was not given the professional guidance or indeed afforded the legal safeguards necessary, in order to progress through this stage of my life. In March 2015, I had what was referred to as a Bipolar Relapse. In the build up to this, during the weeks before, I was unwell, as both my partner and close friends will testify. They were trying times, although I remember very little about them. The highs were higher than they had ever been and the lows equally so. After a terrifying few weeks, I tried to take my own life, whilst Manic. I was happy to jump off a bridge and take my own life. The fact that I had reached this decision, whilst high was not something I had ever experienced. I was usually very low, emotionally sad and at the end of a particularly traumatic cycle. I was arrested by two Police Officers, who stopped me from carrying out what I had set out to do. I was put in a cell and demanded that I was sectioned. I was not of sound mind and for me, this was the only course of action left.
Even when I begged to be sectioned, it was still not meant to be. After speaking to four Doctors, they agreed to let my partner Jason, take charge of my care. I was rushed to my surgery and was given sedatives, to finally stop the Mania. Again I remember very little of what happened, nor the few months that followed. The only reference to what had happened was recorded and written by me in my first blog bipolarcoaster. I still haven't re read the entries, so have no idea, where my life was at that point. I have been made aware, who was there, even if I don't remember it myself.
The weeks that followed were the most challenging of my life. People came into my life, under the most dubious of circumstances, and although I wasn't entirely comfortable with their presence, I accepted it, through my partners assurances. Whilst suffering with illness, Jason was also going through his own trauma, suffering at the hands of bullies, during a time when I was the most sick I had ever been. I was unaware of Jason's turmoil, until he, like me collapsed through the unrelenting pressure of others, increased at a time, when I was ill and he was becoming ill himself. When he finally gave in to the pressure of depression and we were finally able to deal with just what was happening, our situation became worse. We were lucky to have some very close friends who are the only reason, we are both still alive and kicking. Jason was on medication and had reached dreadful lows and a period of continual suicidal thoughts. A major source of help for Jason, a person he trusted and always gave advice, and yes a friend, was acting strangely, taking advantage of our situation and at a time when we both should have been seeking professional help, she had become our only outlet to the outside world, offering a mixture of platitudes, wrong advice and freely offloading more damaging information, causing further relapse and illness for us both. Our friends persuaded us not to listen any further, To add to our confusion, she told us, the ones who were there helping, were bad for us and we should end friendships. Luckily I didn't listen and kept these core group of people ever closer.
I know now, that this was a time, when bad people sought to isolate both of us, so this person could have full control over us and our destiny. I remember during one heated exchange with her, she told me to go away for a while, concentrate on myself and left her take control of Jason's well being. For a moment, she nearly succeeded. Had that happened, once again things would have been very different. Something inside of me set alarm bells ringing. This was not about a friend offering advice, this was about an unscrupulous individual wanting to have full control over two people, at a time when they were sick.
I can't actually remember when I finally woke up and realised what was going on, but I rang some help line, had some councelling and spoke to the Charity, Solent Mind, who finally made me realise just what had been going on. I have written about the details of realisation, but had I not sought professional help, I would still, even today be wondering what if? I was assigned an Advocate who became instrumental in my recovery, even getting me to a stage, where I could finally return to work.
This was not going to last. Jason had poured his heart out to the wrong people in the past, at times when he could not cope with my condition. Even when both of us were ill and Jason was at his most suicidal, he was still receiving bulling threats, so it was no surprise, that when I returned to work, these would increase. When these threats turned to blackmail, Jason finally told me the truth. I accepted what he said, but with everything else I put it to the back of my mind, although realised, that by returning to a job I loved, it would only serve to make things worse, so resigned. Even then, after I quit, we received more calls and damage was caused to personal property. No let up and even worse bullying.
My health has once again suffered, further psychiatric injury, as we approach 2016, bought about by people who remain free to continue a campaign of harassment, that in reality hasn't stopped, nor will it ever cease. I have been told just what I am dealing with, how to cope with it, but the reality is, in order to have some form of closure, we have to up sticks and leave, as we were advised months ago.
We have about five weeks left here in The UK, then we can finally retreat to a new life. Of course this will also have its own obstacles, but we do hope to finally be free of this last year, free of the worst, others can throw, free of the turmoil and free of the harassment we have both suffered.
I hope you all have a fantastic 2016, no more than we wish for ourselves. Thank you to everyone for all you have done this year, you will always be in our thoughts!
On behalf of most that have read your entries Darren your writings have been comforting, supportive and inspirational. Although I do not suffer from Bi-Polar I can only imagine what your words give to those who have the same mental illness. let me be an example that the support does not only benefit those with the same mental illness but also offers comfort and understanding to those suffering with mental illness in any form. don't ever stop what you are doing Darren because you are helping in ways that only that individual can be thankful for. I would like to thank you for your words, they have helped me to think clearly in situations that I would otherwise not understand like I have done. its nice to know I'm not alone. -
Thanks for your words Chris. Memories are made of this! Hugz x
Our Sarah Jane wanted to say a few words to the wise!
Always look up for it is easy to fall down but so much harder to climb back up to where you were. so always look to the skies and think the positive for you can only reach your dreams if you don't look down and lose your step.
I picked the title 'The Bare Naked Truth Blogger' for a reason. For the first time in my life, the truth is more important than my own life. After all I sacrificed my life, home, security and health, a long time ago, purely to embark on a path, that I would have hoped would expose the full truth, no matter what the consequences.
'The Secret Director', whether that was her role or not, she had many by all accounts, was also the person who made me believe in seeking out the truth. Were the answers for me, or did she have an altogether sinister motive? Well like most events that have happened in recent times, I shall probably never know. Here is what I believe, from what I know. 'The Secret Director', played a pivotal role in where I am today. I knew she was always a work colleague, but always kept her at arms length, for professional reasons, but also advice and that feeling you have, when you know they are not quite the person they portray.
My line Manager and I used to have a close working relationship. I trusted her judgement and she had as far as I was aware done nothing to prove otherwise. I had always known they did not like each other, My Manager always warned me to keep my distance, She never explained why, but I always followed advice and we never had any form of contact, other than at a professional level.
Unknown to me at the time, my partner and Director of I know not, were becoming closer and closer. In our own personal life, we had problems. My partner saw her every week in his role. He trusted her, but importantly he opened up to our line Manager also, He was always far more trusting than I, open to suggestion, but these people were his sounding posts and a source of comfort at the time. Personally, if I had known, just how unprofessional these too were behaving towards someone who was clearly vulnerable and open to manipulation, as he was. I would have put a stop to it, I never did. Both they and Jason kept a lot of secrets from me and it is only now, that I am able to piece together the truth.
These two, The Director and Manager, have clearly gained a view of themselves, based on who they believe they really are. In my bipolar world, it would be called self delusion. This part time shop Manager at the back end of no where, believed her influence at Head Office stretched far and wide. In fact her self belief was based on her desire to destroy others, because her illness gives her a self inflated ego, when all she does, is pretend to be your best friend, adds you on facebook, screen shots your life, passes it on, then encourages you to do things, you never would have ever contemplated. I was warned to stay away from her from my line Manager, for a reason. These two arch manipulators could not stand each other and throughout their time within our area, they have used others, just like myself and my partner, in a game of one up manship.They don't see people as people, they see them as toys to be used to carry on their sick game, that has no end. Power is important to these two, even if they have none.
Suffering at the hands of people like them, is in reality criminal. Most of us come up against their like often. We either don't know or literally block out who they are. To work with one person with this type of personality disorder is bad enough, but to have two of them, who constantly want to beat the other, not through direct attack, but through the manipulation of those unwitting game contestants, who know nothing of their real life, which is terrible, with secrets, some terrible secrets, but with that ability to have no conscience. For you and I, that would be unthinkable, to them a sign of power.
To those who read my block, you should understand what we have suffered, but how did we find out and others have no idea. That is simple! I eventually became close to The Secret Director, because my partner asked me to trust her. She was his friend, I had become ill at the time and I had opened up my facebook to her. From this she was able to gain knowledge on me as a person and the way my mind worked. She preyed on my fears and weaknesses, initially setting foot in our home, by claiming to be a psychic. For her entering the home of someone who she was intent on destroying was important. It also showed to the other person who they both would acknowledge are all powerful and superior in every respect, although both really just suffer from the same personality disorder, it shows I was able to do something you could not. These type of people exist everywhere, we all know them, we don't know the psychy behind how they tick as a rule and generally never will. Sadly this was not destined to be my experience. I am not the average man in the street, I am Bipolar, who these people target, more than any other group. I am also a homosexual, seen as a weakness by the two paths and easy prey. The fact that Jason and I were a couple, also gave them another aspect that they could exploit, Each person trying to win the affections of one partner for another, just to confirm their superiority over each other.
When you read these words, you have to understand one thing, they are true. The only reasons we know the truth, is because they wanted us to know, probably to damage us further, but also because they do not care. Remember these people believe in the power of each other. I have also been living their game, every day, for the last ten months, although really we are talking years, The Secret Director, also encouraged me to seek, the truth, always. In her cryptic way, she would often phone, mention a phrase, I would need clarification of and then fly away to manipulate others. What made us initially realise what was going on, was The Secret Director asking us to work out why another Manager would seek to sabotage themselves. At the time, it seemed odd, but in accordance with their own manipulation, I sought the answer. I had a chat with various people in the know, even my own mental health Doctor, who explained what she was hinting out. At first you disbelieve what you are hearing, but on one particular occasion, whilst talking to a help line, they began to delve deeper, with me and we came up with answers I have learned to accept as true, I had too, because to deny what I knew would make me weaker than I already was.
Over the months, as more and more information surfaced, other people became involved, information was hidden and covered up, I actually finally realised the truth in its full glory. I know by publishing these words, it will help me come to terms with what has happened, it may well help others, but it will also be used against me. The more truth I was encouraged to seek, the more damage was caused to us, the more we suffered. The reason we have suffered above anyone else, is because, just how far these two infiltrated our lives. Other people are involved, not necessarily with their issues but most of them are persuaded that two dreadful human beings are nothing more than victims themselves. Another lie used to defend themselves, whilst destroying the reputation of those who just happen to be the real victims.
If it hadn't been for others, also finding out what had really happened, through those closest to them at the time they suffered, I could have dismissed these realisations, as possible muddle and confusion, as I am sure others would be all too quick to say. The reality is, we are not the only victims, many have gone before us, many will follow, but only a small group of us will ever know the truth. We know the truth, because we bothered to challenge the nonsense we were being encouraged to believe.
Coming to terms with what you now know, is no longer hard. Those who turned a blind eye towards what was going on , probably for many years, knew the consequences of confrontation and the damage that could result from it. Respect the fact that I know the truth, don't lie to me any longer, then may be I will accept it and move on. If you continue to perpetuate such lies, that makes you know better than them.
The truth will come out in the end, through time and the collection of evidence, but also because sometimes people like me, bother to understand what has happened to them. I am still owed so much, from those in authority, but ultimately I am not a fall guy. I will do what I have too, what you couldn't stand up too and now do what is best for me.
Our Lee and Claire popped over this evening. It was great to see them, especially after the week I have had. We had a long chat about life, the universe and everything. Don't get to have conversations like that too often, so it was welcome. I write about my problems often, but forget that other people have suffered their fare share too. Each and everyone of us have our crosses to bare and unless you have gone through the hardships, we have, you really would not understand what I am talking about.
Most of us go through life, unaware of others pain, which is all too real. Ignoring the realities of life, because you don't want to deal with the harsh truth, is a cop out. I have always understood, just how bad life can get. After all, the reasons why I am where I am today, is because of the worst that life can throw your way. Not only has that made me even more aware, than I already am, but it has given me back some emotions, I thought I'd lost many years ago.
I am trying my hardest, to avoid people at the moment. I just want this all to be over and for us to no longer be here. This long goodbye to friends has been extremely painful. I am so full of emotion, all the time, and it does take its toll. I probably am in reality, an emotional wreck. People are doing their very best to make sure I am OK, but the demons I am fighting, are ones, only I can deal with. They are unique to me, terrifying at times and will probably never fully heal. This is my 'forever enduring cycle', that will always be with me, whatever bipolar cycle I am on at the time.
It was nice to talk to friends, who do understand me as a person and feel as disgusted by the way we have been treated, as much as us. Claire reads this blog all the time. Somethings can be too painful for her to read in their entirety, but then she feels what I do and has similar views on life, built on experience and circumstances.
I urge anyone, who makes judgements on others, to think before they actually speak. Everyone has a story to tell. Some of us have the worst stories of all within our hearts. These words remain inside our souls, until one day we can sit down, put pen to paper and bare to finally deal with the issues, that have made us the people we are. Often the pain of writing words, recalling dreadful times, can not be written fully and many of us, have unfinished books, our stories left untold. For these people similar words, written by similar people with similar experiences can be a life line and even help them to move forwards in life, even if the writer hasn't.
I hope one day Claire will publish the book inside. She has a story to tell, as we all do and as her words showed tonight, it would be a book that others could use to change their lives.
Thanks for the chat tonight, both of you. Luckily you caught me in a good state of mind. Pushing people away, especially now, is my thing, it's how I cope with my life as it is at the moment. I am glad I felt well enough to see two truly wonderful people!
As I finally recover from a Bipolar Relapse, life for me will change. Dealing with the after effects will take a life time. Forever Enduring Cycles will document recovery and a new chapter in my life.