After my end of work meeting on Friday, I was hoping that things were going to run smoothly. During that first and only week back, the signs of things to come were there for all to see. Jason had received blackmail threats from a colleague, who has been instrumental in any aggressive, deeply disturbing and unprovoked attack on my partner. He claimed to have accessed my medical records whilst his drunk Mother left her laptop unattended. Further lies, threats and intimidation were also employed.
Although this person was supposed to keep away from me, when I returned, due to the serious nature of his actions, he still demanded to know where I was. On the weekend, we believe either him or an accomplice was responsible for a lot of damage on Jason's car! The Police were informed today, and the stacking up of evidence, against this campaign of intimidation and bullying continues to grow.
I am still at a loss to know why this sort of person remains in normal society, They need to be locked up. The disgusting Sociopathic behaviour we have endured over such a long period of time, has left both of us debilitated and disturbed. We have a lot of support from those around us, but very little officially. Solent Mind were a great source of help and in fact still are. Even today, I received an email from my Advocate Liz, offering support at this time. To be honest, when you sit down and explain to people what has happened to you, their reactions are always the same. Disbelief is the first thought, afterwards, when the proof is presented, sadness and anger, as you and they finally realise the extent of the onslaught we suffered. Yes we suffered and still do, but our options are limited.
Emotions at times like this can be hard to control and they change all the time. The more one thinks, the more volatile ones emotions become. Writing this blog, is a great source of help and the messages and emails we have received, always lift ones spirits at the worst of times. I had an email from a previous partner yesterday. He had been reading the blog and wanted to know, if there was anything he could do. I hadn't spoke to him in a while and although our relationship ended in a bad way, it really didn't matter anymore, because he had seen all these things before, in his job. He reminded me, that none of this was my fault and explained that I have probably suffered from similar acts, for as long as I can remember. Well yes I have, I am well aware of that now. It is only after these latest attacks, and what has happened over the last 10 months, that I was finally given answers, to what was going on now and had been for quite a while. Answers and the truth are not necessarily a good thing. Although you become aware of just what has happened to you, in my case, it can be highly damaging. These are not normal situations! You go through a lot of self denial, lows and highs as well as constant analysing. This becomes your life, you live it every day and you carry it around with you, like a cross to bare, forever.
When I realised the truth about my life, I went into shock. I had Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I was helped through this period by yet another helpline. They were able to talk to me at times of my choosing and I could give those closest to me a break from the cycling I was suffering. I was given the same answers, from people, sometimes those answers were given quite brutally, in order for me to wake up and realise that I was right about some pretty terrible revelations.
You know you are right deep down. You have found the answers out, had them confirmed, sought second, third and many more different opinions, yet you will still not accept the truth. You grasp at the hope that maybe, just maybe people are wrong, talking nonsense or also playing with your mind. You keep on hoping! Even when you have accepted the answers as true, you still wrestle with fear, anger and depression and continue to seek further confirmation, but why? Well I suppose, you still want to believe your life is normal, like everyone else. You just want to go back to the way things were, because it was safer there. No one, who I talked too officially, could tell me that what I had been through, was nothing other than what I had confirmed. In reality, I had been given the same answers from fifteen or more organisations, helplines, charities and web sites. I used forums, took legal advice, spoke to everyone, including the church, yes the church. The same words came back.
I am a thinker. I think too much! If you imagine how much I write, well double it and you will get an average amount of time, I use to think and mull over stuff. When you are ill, you do have more time on your hands, so instead of recovering, as I should have, I was just getting worse and worse, the more thoughts I had. When I finally need block out the evil, even just for a bit, I still had a sociopath, who I thought was a friend, messaging me, phoning me and making the situation worse. I mean how many bloody sociopaths can one person have in their life. Well many, as I am well aware of now. These type of people are attracted to people like me. People with Bipolar, in particular. They see mental illness as a weakness, and as the excuse they need to destroy someone. They infiltrate every part of your life, including family and friends and they exploit their so called position of power, to ruin, confuse and discredit you. They are good at it too. In my case I never even knew, why would I? I hadn't even heard of the word until recently!
I have absolutely no idea how long this behaviour towards myself has been going on for. I was told that I really do not need to know that, nor should I seek out answers, because it would damage me further and cause more damage. I was also informed that the names of those involved and the extent of the number of people, should also not be sought. This could be the most damaging aspect of all this. To realise that those closest played a part, family and friends, knowingly or not, was enough, but to have a list of names, in my hand, would be just too damaging and could cause a worst case scenario, that I would never recover from. It would be terminal.
So the seeker of truth, 'The Bare Naked Truth Blogger', seeks no more. For once I accept that there are just somethings I do not need to know. The revelations I already have are enough to make me realise any further piece of news would just make a bad situation even worse, especially now.
Back in the summer, when the news was broken to me, I was given advice, good advice, advice I never followed and advice I wish I had accepted. I was told to get away, far away, don't come back. Forget the last five years of your life, as if they never existed, cut all ties with this country, the people you knew and the problems you endured. Change your name, change your outlook, change your expectations and above all change your life. Maybe then, just maybe, you will be able to pick up the pieces of your existence and move forward. The nightmares will remain with you for a life time, but as you recover from this, you will gradually forget. The nightmares will always be there, but they do become easier to bare.
Even today, as we still suffer from behaviour that can not ever be explained to the normal person, the nightmares have eased somewhat. It obviously depends on how I am as a person and my current thought processes, but not seeing or contacting those who are responsible for your very being, has been a great healer.
So what of the future for us now. Jason and myself still wrestle with our destiny, because ultimately we never played a part in it up until now, others were the ones influencing the path we took. Today our future has finally become ours. The choices we make now are the ones that we want, not what others manipulated. That is scary for us, because of just what we know now!
Gay Capri, our home for so long has been packed up, our belongings have been sold, our lives here in The UK have been put in order. There are a few legalities to finalise before we depart, but depart we will. Our destiny, is not yet set in stone, but we have many options open too us. Our end goal is clear, to live out our final days, together, finally happy, in Australia. Australia is both our homes now. The place we tried to live in twice, twenty years ago, will be the place we will finally call home. This long period of sociopathic destruction, has taught both of us, that Australia, was always good for us. The people were genuine, always there when we needed someone and our saviour during the worst of times, I was welcomed there in 1995 and 1997, without exception, so some day in the future I can finally be happy to live out the rest of my life around people who I trust and accept to be true, real and honest.
In the mean time, we will be moving to the continent, to 'give it a go', that will be our final battle, before we end up down under. We have both seen so much of the World already, this will just be a final farewell, before we retreat from this European nightmare. The continent offers a new start, the chance to see what we haven't experienced and an opportunity to build a successful life, without the influence of sociopaths, manipulators, bad people and anyone who have been responsible for disgraceful crimes up until now
Blogging has become my life over the last ten months. It has once again allowed me to do the one thing, I always loved, writing. Expressing oneself during illness has been absolutely necessary for survival. One day I will be able to look back, over my blog entries, during this period. Not something I have done so far. I will know when the time is right to relive some terrible, but also some funny moments. That will be the day, when I am finally free.
I will continue to blog, wherever we are, about a new life and experiences. My writing should change, as I once again become well. More positive experiences will generate positive writing, that I am sure about. Even though we know this next journey will be hard and full of battles ahead, we have both finally realised, they will pale into insignificance compared to the story of our life, so far. Nothing we do, will ever be this hard again and finally we will be free of the most terrifying, exhausting, forever enduring, heinous and damaging influences, both of us have ever witnessed!